I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
