It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She's the barista slut.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
