That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
