My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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