At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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