Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
