My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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