a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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