I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
