i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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