my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Text me some of your sweat
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