I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
