That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
