I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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