it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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