your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My vagina is very pro this idea
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
