i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
