HIV tests are more positive than that guy
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
