Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
