Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
