I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize