Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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