my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
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