How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
