My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
My vagina is very pro this idea
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
