she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
