I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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