you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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