I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
