What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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