Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
