we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
