Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
