have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
false alarm. still invincible.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
is wine microwaveable?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
