I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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