Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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