I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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