Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
