You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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