So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
