All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
