Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
