I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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