My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
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He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
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Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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