I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
