Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
