At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
