I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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