On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
