I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
