my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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