Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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