Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
