I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
