Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
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Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
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You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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