A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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