Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Girls should come with a carfax report
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Randomize
