There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
