wanna go halves on a baby?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
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