somebody snuck up and got me drunk
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
