i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
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