We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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