My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
